Where’s The Baby?

As a married practicing Catholic, there is some general surprise that my husband and I do not have children yet. There seems to be a general expectation that we would move from “love and marriage” to a “baby in a baby carriage” within the first year of our nuptials.

There have been many sly questions alluding to the absence of children in our home. It almost seems like a faux pas in some spheres. In fact, many of our friends and acquaintances already have one or two children and are looking to expand their families.

As people in our early twenties, there is the expectation that we have biology on our side and that we are primed to start our family immediately.

But expectations are not reality…

In April, my OBGYN was 100% certain that my laparoscopic surgery would confirm a diagnosis of endometriosis. I have all the qualifying symptoms and completed all the necessary steps to assist in the diagnosis. I went through a barrage of blood tests, pelvic floor therapy sessions, diets, medications, and ultrasounds to confirm what was (or wasn’t) the problem.

I went under the knife expecting a pyrrhic victory, but it wasn’t a victory at all.

You can’t imagine how devastated I was when I found out that I didn’t have endometriosis. On a microscopic level, everything looked normal and healthy: no cysts, no fibroids, no cancer. Even my OBGYN was surprised and a little perplexed. On one hand, it is nice knowing that you appear to be healthy, but on the other, it leaves a trail of questions. If it isn’t endometriosis causing the issue, then what is?

While I am frustrated, I’m not particularly devastated. We don’t know exactly what is wrong with me, but I am relatively healthy. My excruciating pain is better and I have a wonderful and supportive husband by my side. Although there is always hope, I am okay with the possibility of never having my own children. We are both open to adopting.

So why am I telling you this? I am not looking for pity points, sympathy, or even tips on how to “boost my fertility”. I am okay with sharing my fertility issues, but a lot of people are not. I’m asking for a little understanding.

Don’t Ask

There is no set timeline for when a couple should have children, even if there is the expectation that they should have kids already.

It is a deeply personal decision to have children that is between the two respective spouses. It doesn’t matter if a family decides to wait due to health, financial, or mental health reasons because it truly isn’t any of our business.

I personally don’t like questions about my fertility, but I don’t shy away from them either. I know that my value as a person has very little to do with my uterus or what other people think of me. My inability to conceive is not a failure but rather a complex medical issue. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is a statement of what I have, not what I am.

But just because I am okay and open doesn’t mean that other people are.

When you ask some women about whether they are going to have kids, it is a visceral, gut-wrenching question. They have tried everything to conceive and failed. So many have experienced secret miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, or infant death. Others take hundreds of pregnancy tests for missed periods only to be brutally disappointed. Some are terrified of pregnancy due to health conditions, while others are not ready to have kids. Some people have had hysterectomies due to cancer, others have male infertility.

When you ask them when they plan to have children, it is a deeply personal blow. Some people feel like they have to explain themselves in order to not be judged. Even when they bare their souls, they are met with unhelpful advice. It’s like not having children is a problem that needs to be fixed and you – the potential parent- are the problem. It is almost as though you have to be ‘excused’ for not meeting expectations.

Maybe I do want my own children, maybe I don’t. Maybe I am okay with adopting. Maybe the fact my mom almost died delivering me scares me. Maybe my infertility stems from my mother’s issues with conceiving. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

What it comes down to is that it isn’t any of your business.

It doesn’t matter why someone has or doesn’t have children, and you really don’t need to know. I have met many unhappy women who feel incomplete or inferior because they feel like their identity is wrapped up in their ability to have children. It shouldn’t matter, but people make you feel like it does.

Children are a gift, not a right. As a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, or relative, it doesn’t matter if your loved one has children or not. Unless you need to know for your own medical purposes, I suggest you refrain from asking when to expect a baby.

J.R.R. Tolkien’s Enduring Legacy

In the realm of literary legends, few names shine as brightly as J.R.R. Tolkien. September 2, 2023, marks the 50th anniversary of his passing, yet his influence and legacy continue to thrive.

His name has become synonymous with the Lord of the Rings franchise and the fantasy genre in general. In many ways, he has become a household name similar to Shakespeare, Austen, or Christie, bridging the gap between academia and fantasy. Tolkien’s brave foray into Middle-earth paved the way for subsequent fantasy writers like George R. R. Martin, Robin Hobb, and Ursula Le Guin.

As we commemorate his legacy, let’s delve into the significance of J.R.R. Tolkien’s life and works, exploring his magnum opus, his world-building prowess, his academic contributions, and the spiritual underpinnings that shaped his narrative.

Middle-earth as a Tapestry of Imagination

Tolkien’s unparalleled world-building prowess is central to his legacy. He famously remarked, “I wisely started with a map, and made the story fit (generally with meticulous care for distances). The other way about lands one in confusions and impossibilities, and in any case it is weary work to compose a map from a story.”

As a philologist, Tolkien took special care in creating languages that complimented his fantasy world. As he said, “The invention of languages is the foundation. The ‘stones’ were made rather to provide a world for the languages than the reverse. To me a name comes first and the story follows.” To understand the breadth of this work, we have to break down the sheer quantity of languages he created, which include, but are not limited to:

• Sindarin
• Quenya
  • Númenórean
• Khuzdul
• Black Speech

The complexities of Middle-earth are not limited to maps and languages. The intricate history of Middle-earth is reflected in The Silmarillion, a posthumously published collection of myths and stories that precede the events of The Lord of the Rings. Here, readers are introduced to the cosmic struggle between good and evil, shaping the world in which later tales unfold. This approach to world-building inspired subsequent authors to invest their own works with a similar depth of lore.

His creation of Middle-earth was not a mere backdrop; it was a living, breathing entity with its languages, cultures, and histories. Through meticulous attention to detail, Tolkien crafted a world so immersive that readers could lose themselves in its landscapes, societies, and legends.

The Lord of the Rings: A Myth for Modern Times

At the heart of Tolkien’s legacy lies his magnum opus, The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Published between 1954 and 1955, these books have captured the imagination of readers worldwide and have been translated into over 50 languages. But beyond its fantasy veneer, the trilogy delves into profound themes that resonate deeply with human experience.

Tolkien himself once wrote, “I have claimed that Escape is one of the main functions of fairy stories, and since I do not disapprove of them, it is plain that I do not accept the tone of scorn or pity with which ‘Escape’ is now so often used”. Tolkien had served during the Great War at the Battle of the Somme, and understood the importance of having a positive outlet to escape from the horrors of reality.

In a world shadowed by war and strife, The Lord of the Rings offered an escape, a mythic refuge where readers could grapple with the complexities of good and evil, heroism and sacrifice. It invites readers to embrace the power of friendship, hope, and resilience. Tolkien strongly abided by the idea that even in the darkest of times, the smallest of deeds can shape the course of destiny, “I have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.”

Although The Lord of the Rings is an epic saga with wizards, orcs, elves, dwarves, sentient trees, war, long journey’s, and near death experiences, Tolkien begins and ends at home. He wrote, “If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”

Nurturing Minds and Fostering Ideas

“Most of my philological colleagues are shocked (cert. behind my back, sometimes to my face) at the fall of a philological into ‘Trivial literature’; and anyway the cry is: ‘now we know how you have been wasting your time for 20 years’.”- Tolkien

Tolkien’s impact extended beyond his novels and encompassed his academic career at Oxford University. His academic career can often be overshadowed by his writing career, but one is not superior to the other.

His teachings, notably on philology and medieval literature, were characterized by a deep passion for language and an unwavering commitment to his students’ intellectual growth. His essay “Beowulf: The Monsters and the Critics” challenged prevailing views on the Old English epic, emphasizing the importance of understanding it as a work of art rather than just a historical artifact.

Tolkien’s approach to teaching mirrored his literary philosophy: an invitation to enter worlds beyond our own, to appreciate the beauty of language, and to engage with the profound truths embedded in ancient texts.

Through his teachings, Tolkien ignited a passion for the written word in generations of students, fostering a love for storytelling that would continue to shape the literary landscape.

The Legacy of A Genius

As we commemorate the 50th anniversary of J.R.R. Tolkien’s passing, we reflect on the enduring significance of his life and works. Through The Lord of the Rings, Tolkien gifted the world a timeless myth that speaks to the human condition. His world-building artistry enriched literature with a tapestry of imagination, inspiring countless creators. His teachings at Oxford continue to nurture minds and inspire academic pursuits.

In the words of Tolkien himself, “Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made but made in the image and likeness of a Maker”. Tolkien’s legacy endures not just in the pages of his books, but in the minds and hearts of those who have been captivated by his imaginative worlds, his wisdom, and his faith.

Tolkien gave his works as a gift to the world, “Of course, The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me. It has been brought forth and must now go its appointed way in the world, though naturally I take a deep interest in its fortunes, as a parent would of a child.” As we celebrate his memory, we honor a literary giant whose influence will undoubtedly shape generations to come.

Your Brand of Achievement

Like most 20-year-olds, I regularly feel like I’m in a strange liminal space. Some of my peers are moving out for the first time, others are getting married, and others are having their first, second, or even third sets of children. A few friends just completed their doctorates, one got a huge promotion, and another just published a book.

Sometimes I feel a little left behind or that I am not achieving my full potential. As Jane Austen once aptly said, “Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.” Things are good but not eventful for the most part.

I have an adult cat whom we adopted a few months ago. While she’s practically perfect in every way, she is shy and slow to trust new people. Her previous owners indicated that while she may warm up to us in time, she would probably never be a lap cat. I’ve lived with many cats, so this didn’t bother me. Just like people, they have their individual sense of space.

In the first week, she ventured out enough for us to pet her, and in the first two months, she was sleeping at our feet in bed. She would sit next to us on the couch and roll over on her belly. When we wake up in the morning she will rub against our legs begging for attention (and food). We were both happy to see how she was warming up to us and by the six-month mark, we figured she had basically settled in. But the first week of June was a monumental milestone.

She sat on my lap.

She’s A Lap Cat Now

I didn’t want to make too big a deal of it at first largely because I didn’t know if it would last. At first, she would only sit on my lap for a few minutes, then for an hour, then she would fall asleep in a ball on my lap for hours while I was reading or watching TV. Next, she would hop on me while we were sleeping, then while working.

It soon escalated. She would meow outside the bathroom door when we got up and the moment we sit back down, she would make herself comfortable. If the laptop was on our lap, she would either push it out of the way or make herself into a laptop cat.

In short, we have created a clingy monster who will sit on me regardless of time, place, or temperature in order to get in her daily snuggles. You would never guess who is sitting on my lap right now as I write this blog (rather inconveniently too I might add).

I know it isn’t a monumental achievement, or even something that I would normally parade outside of immediate family, but I’m mentioning it here to illustrate a point.

Make The Most of The Little Things

Try not to get lost in the comparison game. You’re not going to accomplish great things every day, and you may even feel like your life has hit a plateau at times. Even though social media may show your friends picture-perfect lives, that is not reality.

Life is full of highs, lows, and moments in the spotlight. Your moments of greatest joy may never be social media worthy, but that doesn’t mean that they are any less impactful. Joy is not a hashtag or an Instagram-worthy picture. Sometimes moments of achievement are spent curled up post-workday, in the sweltering heat with a shy cat snuggling next to you.

Don’t get lost in what is conventionally perceived as an accomplishment. Find the little things that have improved your life and celebrate your brand of achievement whether it makes it to social media or not.

New Releases from Beyond the Grave

I simply adore old books. If you were to enter our home, you would discover that nearly half of all our books were written before 1900, with a heavy saturation of Victorian literature. I inherited my love for Victorian literature from my mother, and after she died, I commandeered a large portion of her book collection.

We (my husband, mother, and I) deal with old books like Pokemon, meaning that we really want to “catch them all!” It is a special point of pride for me to show my complete collection of the works of Elizabeth Gaskell, William Shakespeare, the Bronte Sisters, and Charles Dickens. When I’m bored, I love going through these books and reading my favorite classics.

While I am biased in favor of books written between 1831-1901, it is safe to say that I have a few pet authors that I simply adore. Unfortunately, when you love old authors, you have a limited supply of books to draw from. Some authors have been dead for almost a century, so it is safe to say they will not be launching any new releases in the foreseeable future.

You can imagine my excitement when I found three books I haven’t read from some of my favorite authors. I know it is such a simple thing, but as an English major and book collector, I would be remiss if I didn’t share these literary gems.

Emma: Charlotte Bronte

Emma by Jane Austen is a literary classic in its own right, but Emma by Charlotte Bronte is a rare delight.

If you haven’t heard of this forgotten piece by the author of Jane Eyre you wouldn’t be the only one. Charlotte Bronte was only able to write two chapters of her last and unfinished work, which is why Emma is usually not listed in the annals of Bronte’s published works.

As William Makepeace Thackery stated in The Last Sketch,“[…] Hundreds of those who, like myself, recognized and admired that master-work of a great genius, will look with a mournful interest and regard and curiosity upon this, the last fragmentary sketch from the noble hand which wrote Jane Eyre.”

Fortunately, we modern readers get some closure. This version of the novel was completed by Constance Savery in 1980. Savery is not a big name in literature, but she has a special place in my heart. She wrote some of my favorite childhood books that even after reading them close to 15 years ago, I don’t have the heart to get rid of.

We have no way of knowing how Charlotte Bronte had planned for this story, but I think we can safely assume that it would not have been identical to what the finished product turned out to be. All that being said, I think Bronte would have been pleased with the result. Savery gives a very noble effort to write in the same vein and style as her literary predecessor.

I would be remiss not to state that Clare Boylan took a stab at completing this work in her 2003 novel, Emma Brown. I have yet to add this book to my bookshelves to read.

The Beautifull Cassandra: Jane Austen

Jane Austen is almost a household name at this point for her classic books Pride and Prejudice and Emma. However, every author has to start somewhere, and Austen began with The Beautifull Cassandra. Jane Austen wrote it when she was only twelve years old, some 200 years ago.

It would be grossly unfair to compare The Beautifull Cassandra to the later masterpieces Austen wrote, but every author has their start somewhere. You can see the charming satire that Austen would hone into adulthood.

Don’t expect to be wowed by her literary prowess, but get lost in the quick read and delightful illustrations! This is a great way to introduce young children to this literary icon.

Teleny: Oscar Wilde

Teleny or the Reverse of the Medal has been attributed to Oscar Wilde. I think it is fairly certain that Oscar Wilde at least knew the author of Teleny if he himself did not write it. While it may seem strange that we don’t know exactly who wrote it, when you look at the content, it makes perfect sense.

I will preface this with the caveat that I don’t know if I will ever read this book. I started, got to a very erotic scene, and had to put it down. I’m just not into erotica as a genre.

The original book was published in 1893 in 200 copies by Leonard Smithers who praised it as being “the most powerful and cleverly written erotic romance which has appeared in the English language” during that era, “a book that will certainly rank as the chief of its class.”

The story centers around a young Frenchman Camille Des Grieux who becomes infatuated with a Hungarian pianist, Rene Teleny and it is essentially Victorian homosexual p*rn. It is incredible to me that this book was published in any capacity in the 1800s, and that it somehow survived the last 130 years. While it is not for the average reader, I think it is still significant to have as a curio and for research purposes. Did Wilde write it? Who is the actual author? and is this the first real erotic homosexual book to be published?

Do you have any favorite authors or unique books? Tell me in the comments below!