Breaking the Silence: Navigating the PCOS-Miscarriage Connection

Note: I will be covering the symptoms and effects of polycystic ovary syndrome. If you are uncomfortable discussing topics of menstruation, reproductive organs, miscarriage, and medical symptoms, please exercise your discretion.

Did you know that although Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is known as a common cause of infertility, it can also increase the risk of miscarriage?

Women with PCOS are more likely to have a miscarriage. The average woman’s risk of miscarriage during the first trimester is 10-15% while women with PCOS are more likely to miscarry with a 30-50% risk. This means that women with PCOS are three times more likely to miscarry than women without PCOS.

When you are diagnosed with PCOS no one prepares you for this reality. If you are lucky enough to get pregnant there is at least a 30% chance that you’ll miscarry before the first trimester. Personally, that doesn’t sound like great odds especially considering that you are already battling fertility odds.

What are those odds you ask? Well, let me tell you. While a completely healthy young couple has a 25% chance of getting pregnant during a single cycle, takes on average 2.5 years longer to get pregnant with PCOS.

I feel this statistic deeply in my soul. As someone who has been married a little over the two-year mark, we have only had one successful pregnancy, and that pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage.

Why Does it Happen?

There are several different factors related to PCOS which can increase your miscarriage rate. These include:

• High levels of androgens or male hormones (Hyperandrogenism)
• Elevated LH levels
• Insulin resistance with elevated Insulin levels
• Endometrial Dysfunction with failure to implant
• High plasminogen activator inhibitor-1(PAI-1) activity
• Infertility treatments
• Genetic abnormalities

Why does this happen to begin with? Women with PCOS may experience difficulties getting or maintaining a pregnancy due to their menstruation cycle (monthly period). Many symptoms if PCOS include:

• too few menstrual periods
• having your period for longer than usual
• not getting your period
• very heavy periods
• higher levels of male hormones like testosterone
• acne breakouts
• getting facial hair and extra hair in other places
• small cysts or bundles of fluid in the ovaries
• fewer eggs released from the ovaries

While PCOS isn’t life-threatening, there is no cure for it.

No One Prepares You

While I knew about the fertility struggles, I was not prepared to miscarry our baby in March of 2022.

Not only was the process of discovering the pregnancy to miscarriage whiplash quick, but it was an extremely painful process. I had been experiencing excruciating pelvic pain continually for about three weeks. I had lower back pain similar to when I had kidney stones, accompanied by exhaustion and some nausea. Regular pain pills didn’t alleviate the pain, and it woke me up at night. Also, no one talks about the blood loss.

The emotional and physical pain is terrible and certainly not something you are prepared for in your early twenties. The experience makes you scared. Will I conceive again? Will I miscarry again? Was my first baby a boy or a girl? Did I do something wrong?

It sounds stupid, but I think about that baby often. He or she would have been two now and I wonder what they would have been like. I have other family and friends who have had similar experiences to commiserate with. While their mutual loss takes away some of the guilt, the loss still remains.

Resources and Help

If you have PCOS your body might make more of both the male hormone testosterone and the female hormone estrogen. Your doctor might recommend prescription medications to help balance your hormones which may include:

• metformin to balance insulin levels
• clomiphene citrate (or Clomid) to help balance estrogen levels
• birth control pills to balance estrogen and testosterone levels (before beginning fertility treatment)
• fertility medications to jump-start the ovaries to send out more eggs

While the process of determining your fertility is a struggle, it is possible to have a baby with PCOS. There may be some struggle, heartache, and a lot of frustration, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

You can find support and answers to your questions through many credible sources:

• National PCOS Challenge
• Cysters
• PCOS Awareness Association
• My PCOS Team
• PCOS Support Group
• Pregnancy Loss Support Group

Fruitful Womb

We are only a few short weeks away from the birth of my first niece. To say that I am ecstatic is an understatement. Bringing a child into the world is often considered one of life’s greatest joys, a moment filled with anticipation, excitement, and boundless love. All of this is palpable as our whole family prepares for this moment.

However, I do hold a small amount of bitterness in my heart.

In December, I was encouraged by my doctor to NOT try for children right now. I am at high risk for ectopic pregnancy and if I were to conceive, there would be a good chance I would miscarry again (at best) and possibly even lose my ovaries (at worst). As a consequence of this, my husband and I have put kids on the back burner for at least the foreseeable future.

It feels like this is all my fault. My surgery in April showed that I didn’t have endometriosis but my PCOS symptoms aren’t abating either. I started a new round of medication but doctors are still at a loss to determine what is wrong with me.

I know of seven others who are also expecting children at this time and I hold just a small amount of jealousy toward them. I want them to have happy and healthy babies, but there is a large part of me that wants the same.

Riding The Rollercoaster

The emotional rollercoaster is profound and multifaceted. There is initial shock and disbelief that give way to feelings of sadness and guilt. Each negative pregnancy test until this point seems like a personal failure on my part. All this is compounded by feelings of shame and inadequacy. If only I had done something differently…

I have been trying to embrace this inadequacy.

I LOVE my life as it currently is. As new homeowners, we are slowly building a sense of community and “oneness” in this new environment. 2022 and 2023 were years of HUGE personal development and growth that I hope to continue into 2024. My happy days now far outweigh my sad ones. I think I am beginning to like myself.

While I can embrace this period of waiting, one of the most challenging aspects is the profound sense of uncertainty it brings. We are forced to grapple with questions about our future and our dreams of starting a family, unsure of whether or when our efforts will pay off. Sure, we can wait another year or two, but what about after that? What about five years from now?

But we can’t live for tomorrow when we are only given today.

Resting in Hope

I know that there is always hope and I have been leaning on Isaiah 45:

“Shout for joy, infertile one, you who have not given birth to any child;
Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor;
For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous
Than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord.

I know that if there is any hope for me, it will be by God’s will and in His time. Now is not the time for us, and that is okay. My husband and I are young and this is a rare and beautiful opportunity to be present only to each other. This is the time for us before we begin to question what the future has in store.

There is so much joy in today. While we may not be able to have children now (or perhaps ever), there is so much in this life that is worth cherishing. I may feel a little jealous of my sister and my friends, but the reality is that I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s.

My niece is going to be born in a few short weeks, and some of my best friends will become mothers in the summer. It is a sweet time of celebration and hope and I know that no matter what my future has in store, I don’t begrudge anyone their moments of joy.

I just hope they let me babysit.

Review: Song at the Scaffold

As we approach Lent, one book I find myself turning to is Gertrude von le Fort’s Song at the Scaffold. The 1931 novella about the sixteen Carmelite nuns guillotined during the French Revolution has been turned into an opera that vividly demonstrates man’s capacity for both heroism and brutality.

You don’t have to be Catholic to read and appreciate the novella, but if you are Catholic, there is so much hidden depth and meaning found in its 100 pages. The story is a beautiful testament of finding courage in fear and embracing your weaknesses.

Blanche

“…The sad circumstances of her birth apparently determined her whole attitude towards life,” says Blanche’s father, the Marquis de la Force about his daughter.  From the beginning of her life, the main character Blanche de la Force was destined to be the embodiment of fear. Her name even serves as an ‘on the nose’ reminder that she is easily frightened.

Unnaturally timid, Blanche learned to cope with her great timidity by finding consolation in religion through the careful instructions of her governess, Madame de Chalias. However, as Blanche quickly realized, God and religion will not shelter her from her fear or refuge to save her from trials. Her own terror is reflected in society around her as the Reign of Terror reaches new bounds. Le petit Roi, the little king, becomes the focal point of Blanche’s life as her belief in Him is altered from her old childish beliefs and the circumstances around her.

Le Petite Roi

Misconceptions about the Infant King are the introduction to Blanche’s religious instruction. Madame de Chalias is assigned to Blanche as a governess during Blanche’s childhood when she is frightened by nearly everything. Naïve of all aspects of religion, Madame instructs Blanche forcefully, attempting to draw her out of her timidity. Madame’s philosophy consists of the concept “that the King of Heaven will never fail to protect you.”(22).

While the concept is not entirely erroneous, Blanche believes that the Christ Child will save her from all tribulation and remove any obstacles that prevent her from being perfectly happy. As a testament to this unfailing protection, the Christ child wears His crown “but if He lost His Crown” (22) this testament would cease to exist. When the banister to the stairs breaks under Blanche’s feet, Blanche’s confidence is shaken but Madame’s uncompromising personality enables Blanche’s faith to rebound. Blanche can “confide her little anxious heart to the shelter of the Supreme Power” (23) which empowers her to become a Discalced Carmelite. 

The circumstances around Blanche alter her confidence in the Child Jesus. After Blanche’s investiture as a postulant, the Carmelite community celebrates Christmas with their small statuette of the Infant King. The Revolutionaries had stripped him of all his kingly ornaments, including His scepter and crown. As Blanche takes the Infant Child in her arms she is greatly disturbed by the absence of his crown and the singing of the Carmagnole from outside the convent. In her distress, Blanche dropped the statuette, severing its head from its body, exclaiming “Oh, le petit Roi is dead… Now there is only the living Christ!” (56) Blanche comes to realize through this painful experience that Christ had permitted himself to be stripped of earthly grandeur and comfort.

Jesus in the Garden of Agony

In what I think is one of the most beautiful scenes in the book, Bishop Riguad proposes the nuns take the religious name “Jesus in the Garden of the Agony” for Blanche and other novices. Similarly, just as Christ suffered before his passion, the sisters must spend this time preparing for their own passion. Using her religious name, Blanche was able to gain valuable insight into her vocation.

Blanche realizes that since she finds her fear an insuperable barrier, she must accept and embrace fear as her vocation. Blanche learns to find “‘consolation in fear’, ‘shelter in fear’, ‘resignation in fear’… ‘loyal(ty) to fear’” (63). She allows herself to understand more deeply the sufferings of Christ in the Mount of Olives which changes her faith in the Child Jesus. Just as Christ suffered mortal agony in the Agony in the Garden but accepted the torture and the fear, Blanche must also accept the fear that God has placed in her life.

Blanche, as a result of her fear, is sent away from the convent. The heightened situation in France eventually condemns the remaining nuns at Compiegne to death; it is at this time that Madame Lidoine expresses the feelings of all those around her “Christ in Heaven, now do I understand Thy Mortal fear!”(91).

Courage at the End

Blanche is present at the time of the Carmelite’s execution. As each mounts the scaffold singing, they are silenced by the guillotine one by one. Blanche experiences a transformation at this time, “(she) was quite without fear! She was singing.”(102). Blanche achieves a type of martyrdom by being beaten to death by the army mob of revolutionaries. She is a martyr of blood, giving up her life for her beliefs and her religion.

Blanche can identify her own weakness and ultimately her fear is her greatest strength. Because she has fully abandoned herself to fear, she takes upon herself bravery in a new form. The words of Marie l’Incarnation serve as a summary, “Must fear and horror always be evil? Is it not possible that they may be deeper than courage…?” (32) 

Author Interview: LindaAnn LoSchiavo

There is an appropriate voluptuousness to LindaAnn LoSchiavo’s book Vampire Ventures: Poems. Many modern poetry books have an artful simplicity about them, but LoSchiavo abandons that convention to take on a Gothic and vaguely Victorian quality.

Usually, poets find a form that suits them best and stick with it, but LoSchiavo adopts an irregular cadence in this poetry collection. On one page you have a blank verse poem and on the next, a haiku. I consulted the description several times to confirm this wasn’t an anthology. LoSchiavo has a unique breadth and talent that I haven’t seen in many poetic anthologies.

There is an irregular cadence to the poems which may be off-putting. I think it is intentional to make the reader feel a sense of discomfort as you sit down to read each poem in quick succession. There is a poem to suit everyone’s tastes and if you love vampires, I think you have to give this book a try, but don’t just take my word for it!

I had the opportunity to talk to the mastermind behind this collection and some of her responses may pleasantly surprise you

How would you describe your poetry?

I’m a narrative poet and a formalist.  I favor “fixed forms” and this also encompasses blank verse (unrhymed iambic pentameter), Golden Shovels,  Centos, dramatic monologues, etc..   New Formalism is a late 20th- and early 21st-century movement in American poetry that has promoted a return to metrical, rhymed verse, and narrative poetry.

Let’s start with the idea of poetry as a practice. Is it something you feel you need to do regularly? What do you use to write it all down on? Your phone? A notebook?

I write every day.  I have so many ideas that I’m always working on something new, or there is something I am expanding/reworking like a poem that will become flash fiction, a play that will turn into a short story, etc, or I will revise an older piece. 

I write in long hand- sometimes in a notebook and sometimes on printouts of abandoned poems.

 This is the elephant in the room, but why a poetry book about vampires? There was hype around it several years ago, but what is the real reason you chose to write and publish this book?

During the pandemic, a fellow started Dracula Daily, which became an overnight sensation. Dracula Daily is an email newsletter that sends you the novel Dracula, in ‘real-time’, as it happens to the characters. It rapidly acquired over 200,000 subscribers and inspired worldwide news coverage.

Though I was not a subscriber, I did become aware of the enormous buzz surrounding “Dracula Daily.”  Since I had not thought about vampires for some time, a new curiosity rose from the dead.  On my own, I  reread Dracula along with all of the selections gathered in two hefty anthologies edited by Michael Sims and David Skal.

I thought, “What innovations could I bring to this well-worn genre,” and there were a few.

• One example: I took a Jane Austen-ish approach to Bram Stoker’s nobleman of means [‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife’.]
• Second example: opportunities that Bram Stoker overlooked such as Dracula writing a memoir, planning a Hallowe’en soiree, and more. 
• Third example: adding pop culture and technology to the vampire mythos.
• The fourth example was telling a vampire’s rite de passage backward.

Taking a closer look at vampire literature, it seemed there was room for a fresh approach. By free-associating about various things –– Wes Craven’s Freddy Krueger films, Tinder dating, The Playboy Club, Instagram influencers, house hunting, happy hour –– I asked myself, “What would a vampire do?”  Then I wrote the poems.

You’ve been actively writing poetry for several years. What’s different about sitting down to write a poem when you first started as opposed to now in 2024?

Well, the computer and the internet have helped all writers. Now we can access books we do not own by reading them online. Revisiting old poems is useful for my Golden Shovels and my Centos, two derivative forms that rely on somebody else’s poem(s).

When I won the Elgin Award for my full-length collection, A Route Obscure and Lonely, I was also running a critique group by SFPA poets, most of whom had numerous literary journal credits but no book credits at the time. It got me thinking about how to create more books and I came up with a method for producing no fewer than two new books a year.

Why do you feel an affinity to dark themes and think that they need to be published?

Death is an enduring subject. Whether it’s explored as eerie genre poetry Vampire Ventures, as a memoir in verse Cancer Courts My Mother, in my historical suicide WIP Past Tense: Poems and Portraits of Suicides, or in my collection of first-hand ghost encounters Dark and Airy Spirits, my impression has long been that that death, dying, and the afterlife are greatly misunderstood, suffocated by organized religion, and corrupted by Hollywood’s horror factory. My poetry aims to give death some breathing room.

My first graduate degree was in Medieval Literature. Chaucer, Froissart, the Pearl-Poet, William Langland, Giovanni Boccaccio, and Dante wrote poetry that I return to again and again.  

Vampire Ventures has a lot of unique poetry styles. Do you have a style that you love the best? Do you also have a poem that you love the most from this collection and/or that resonates the most with you?

There are four answers to your question; my favorites are narrative poems, the dramatic monologue, the Petrarchan sonnet, and the Golden Shovel. The vampire piece I love most is the trilogy told backward: “An Ideal Lost in Night-Mists.” Deliberately, each section is composed in a different style and each has different speakers – though I doubt any reader caught all the nuances.

Review: Counting the Cost

The Duggar family has always been a little problematic. I never watched the popular TLC show 19 Kids and Counting, but as a conservative homeschooled Catholic, you better believe that the Duggar name was tossed around with some regularity.

19 Kids and Counting is a TV show that focuses on the life of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, who are devout independent Baptists entrenched in the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) movement. The couple has 19 biological children: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn, and Josie.

The Duggar’s represented everything a conservative homeschooler aspired to be. They taught a message of purity, modesty, and faith in God. All the children were homeschooled and ironically had little access to entertainment such as movies and television. The family practiced chaperoned courtship, in which a couple becomes acquainted only in a group setting. All the older girls were like little mothers who lovingly cared for their younger siblings.

Of course, there was a darkness lingering under the facade of their ‘perfect’ happy family. If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.

The Duggar Controversy

To accurately review this book, you need to have some background. I won’t belabor the facts since this isn’t a post about the Duggars, but this is the stage where the story’s drama takes place. If you want more in-depth history, you can read this People article.

The eldest Duggar son, Josh, was convicted of child pornography possession and is currently serving time in prison. He has also been accused of molesting his sisters. Unfortunately, this is only scratching the surface.

None of the children were paid to appear on the show even though some of the adult children literally were married and gave birth on television.

However, the most traumatic are the teachings at the forefront of the family. IBLP may be a cult that advocates for child abuse. They teach an “umbrella of authority” which basically makes children servile to their parents. Even after they are married. Fathers are the infallible heads of the house, and the only way children have any power is if they repeat the cycle in their own homes. Basically, Dad says jump, and you’re supposed to respond, “I’m happy to do that for you, sir!”

This of course is only touching the the surface. Rebekah Drumsta is a survivor of the IBLP and details her heartbreaking experiences. And it’s a lot. Rebekah’s story isn’t as popular as the Duggar’s which is why I think her blog post I Am a Survivor of the Bill Gothard Homeschool Cult should be the real starting point for people to learn more. Her story is the reality for thousands who will never get get the limelight.

It is from this culture that Jill Dillard (nee Duggar) wrote her book, Counting the Cost.

What Was The Cost

“I’d never said no to my family before. It was this whole umbrella of authority thing that was ingrained in me.”

Jill Dillard

I have been in therapy for years grappling with my relationship with my family, but I never had my feelings so accurately mirrored than in Jill Duggar’s book.

I know she has received some criticism for not cutting off her family completely, but I don’t think any of these critics understand Jill’s situation. Her whole life she’s been taught to blindly obey her family. Angering or disappointing her parents is truly the worst thing that she could do. Additionally, she has to monitor how she dresses, behaves, thinks, and dreams to hopefully one day become the ideal Christian woman. You give yourself crippling anxiety for just existing.

The day you finally realize that you’re living in a self-contained hell, it’s not like a light switch goes off. It takes decades of rewiring your brain to realize how badly things are and how disordered your thinking was and maybe still is. They say the first step to fixing a problem is realizing you have a problem. I think Jill is a little beyond that stage but she has decades worth of work to go.

Her book is all about growing up and coming to this painful realization. Fortunately, she seems to have a supportive husband, Derrick, who is willing to work with her, go to therapy together (this is HUGE), and stand up for their family. It’s not a book about complete healing and it is purposefully vague at times, but I think that is what makes it so believable. You can see that this is a woman who is struggling with her upbringing and making progress to undo decades worth of trauma.

I’m not a survivor of IBLP, but boy, does some of this stuff resonate with me…

Jill is the first person I have read discussing the delicate dance of maintaining relationships with siblings and loving your parents without trusting them.

Even though your parents treat you like shit, you can’t help but remember everything they have done for you. In their own way, they are victims of their own disordered thinking. Unfortunately, they will never get help. You still love them because you know in their own warped way they love you too, but you can never trust them. But you also can’t cut them off completely because they are the link to your siblings, especially if you have siblings who are minors.

It feels like a warzone. You can’t leave anyone behind but going back into that situation is like running through a minefield. So you stay like a helicopter hovering in the fringes hoping to bail the next survivor out. The whole time you just pray to God that your siblings are safe and happy because that is all you want.

I think Jill summed it up so well:

“We understand that no family is perfect and that you can recognize the beauty in your story while still acknowledging the difficult parts and even setting boundaries. That shouldn’t make you unloving. It’s like roses and thorns, the two can coexist, and I do love my family.”

This book made me cry for all the right reasons. No, it isn’t the most well-written book. No, I don’t agree with everything that Jill and Derrick say. But it is finally a mirror where I can see the disorder of my own family reflected back at me. I don’t think Jill is a horrible person, and I pray to God that I am not either.

We are all survivors.

Review: Plan A

Trigger Warning: This blog post talks about sexual assault and abortion. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), teen abortion is a lot more common than teen motherhood, with 55% of pregnancies among girls aged 15–19 years ending in abortions. There’s a big stigma around abortion, whether you’re a teenager, adult woman, or sexual assault victim from a Red or Blue state.

January is Sanctity of Human Life Month and as a conservative, pro-life Christian, I knew it was important to make the choice to read Plan A by Deb Caletti. Plan A is all about a sixteen-year-old Ivy’s road trip across the country to get an abortion after conceiving a baby out of rape. 

I wish to caveat that I’m not someone who will actively promote abortion, but I understand that it is a very personal decision that some women have to make for themselves. While I am steadfast in my pro-life beliefs, I have always been taught that it is important to get both sides of the story before passing judgment.

Abortion is a very sensitive topic and no one is obligated to share their story. Plan A seemed like the perfect neutral middle-ground for understanding that perspective. Ivy is fictional so whatever opinions I have don’t have any negative emotional impact on a real person, but I can gain insight into the rather hidden story of teenage abortion.

Understanding Ivy

Ivy is a normal, well-spoken, and intelligent sixteen-year-old who has overwhelming decisions to make. She’s just a regular small-town Texas girl with modest dreams of going to college. Her West Coast mother, Ivy has more liberal views than the rest of her family and Ivy’s boyfriend is a California transplant. Neither of them quite fit into the Texas culture which is good when Ivy discovers she is pregnant, and not by her boyfriend.

When the town finds out that Ivy is pregnant, they turn on Ivy and her family.

For Ivy, the decision to have an abortion is a no-brainer. While I know that this may feel jarring for some, I feel like this is a realistic portrayal. Too often the decision to have an abortion is portrayed as an agonizing decision, when oftentimes it is viewed as the sensible thing to do.

While Ivy cannot have her abortion in Texas, she is fortunate to have family in Oregon who are supportive and willing to help her out. Her boyfriend Lorenzo goes with her on a fun-filled road trip which will culminate in her procedure. Along the way, Ivy encounters numerous people who have also experienced an abortion and share with her the fears, the trauma, and the relief that they experienced. It is not an empty adventure and does have its moments of tension and displacement. Ivy may only be sixteen, but she is thrown into a world that is both sympathetic and very harsh.

Encountering the Ivy’s Of the World

While I wish Ivy would have kept her baby, I understand why she couldn’t. Even though this is a work of fiction, it is based on reality. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a world where women or young girls are supported for conceiving outside of marriage. Even though people talk a good talk about being pro-life, there is overwhelming shame and stigmatism if you don’t have children the “right way”.

I don’t think Ivy’s decision to have an abortion is what is the most shocking or unrealistic aspect of the story, but rather that she came out from this experience unscathed. Ivy has a loving and supportive family but the reality is that not everyone has the same support system.

I know one individual from a conservative Christian family who was sexually assaulted. Once she told her parents about the assault she was absolutely reamed for being so careless and did not offer any support to her even though she went through this traumatic experience. They buried it and told her not to tell anyone. Although I am still pro-life, if this individual had conceived and sought an abortion I would not have judged her. She was already living in a hostile environment and bringing a child into that world would have been detrimental to her well-being as well as that of the child.

It should be a no-brainer in the 21st century that victims of rape are not “asking for it” but that is not the case. Regardless of their sexual encounters, we don’t live in a world where the Ivy’s of the world can feel safe and supported. If they abort their children they are “murders” and if they bring these children into the world they are “sluts”.

Living Pro-Life

Our pastor gave a beautiful homily about the sanctity of life. He said that although we are compelled as Christians to be pro-life we must recognize that we don’t live in a world that supports it. People are raped, impoverished families are unable to care for another child, and single mothers simply cannot raise a child on their own. Instead of preaching about the evils of abortion, we should take on a spirit of charity and create a world where abortion isn’t the only resource available for women in these situations. I couldn’t agree with this perspective more.

Marisol Maldonado Rodriguez recently published Beyond Her Yes: Reimagining Pro-Life Ministry to Empower Women and Support Families in Overcoming Poverty. This book illustrates that the simple “yes” to keep a child goes so much deeper than abortion. Marisol shows how we should be taking steps to end the cycle of poverty, abuse, and setbacks that cause a pregnancy to not only be terrifying but can perpetuate negative cycles for generations.

While Beyond Her Yes does not answer every question or address every issue, it is the first time I have seen someone take a deeper look into the real issue behind abortion which is the complex social, psychological, physical, and socioeconomic status of the mother. If you are pro-life, I 100% recommend reading this book.

The “Pro-life Issue” is so much more complex than a simple decision to keep or terminate a pregnancy. I think Plan A is a great and digestible way for people to grapple with the perspective of someone not in an ideal situation to keep a baby. It takes a very humanistic approach to a very serious topic. I don’t think this book advocates for abortion but expresses the reality of thousands of women who have been in Ivy’s shoes.

Review: Rebecca

As Halloween approaches, there’s no better time to dive into the Gothic masterpiece Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. This novel is the perfect choice for a spine-tingling, atmospheric read that will send shivers down your spine while you curl up with a warm cup of tea on a crisp autumn evening.

Rebecca is a classic tale of suspense, romance, and psychological intrigue, set against the backdrop of Manderley, a sprawling, imposing mansion that becomes a character in its own right.

The novel’s unnamed protagonist, the second Mrs. de Winter, narrates her journey as she marries the enigmatic widower, Maxim de Winter. The shadow of Maxim’s first wife, the mysterious Rebecca, looms large over Manderley, creating an unsettling and foreboding atmosphere from the very beginning. The novel begins, almost hauntingly, with the line:

“Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.”

Du Maurier’s writing is nothing short of brilliant. Her ability to build tension, evoke a sense of unease, and paint a vivid picture of Manderley is masterful. The reader is transported into the world of this grand estate, where secrets are whispered in the halls, and the past refuses to stay buried. The lush descriptions of the house, the sprawling gardens, and the stormy coastline contribute to the novel’s Gothic charm.

The character of Mrs. Danvers, the sinister housekeeper who adores the memory of Rebecca and despises the second Mrs. de Winter, adds a layer of malevolence to the story. Her presence is both haunting and unforgettable, making her a character that will send chills down your spine and ensure that Rebecca remains etched in your memory long after you finish reading.

The novel’s themes of identity, obsession, and the corrosive effects of secrets make it an ideal choice for Halloween. It explores the darkness that can lurk beneath the surface of seemingly idyllic lives and the horrors that can be unleashed when the truth is revealed. The sense of impending doom and the constant feeling of being watched will have you on edge, making it an excellent choice for fans of psychological thrillers.

Rebecca is a timeless classic that has been adapted into various forms, including film and television, but there’s no substitute for experiencing the original novel’s rich and eerie atmosphere.

As you turn the pages of this Gothic masterpiece, you’ll find yourself drawn into a web of mystery and suspense that is perfect for the Halloween season. If you’re looking for a captivating and chilling read to celebrate this spooky time of year, Rebecca is the ideal choice to keep you engrossed and haunted throughout the season.

Review: Anne of Green Gables

At the turning of the season, there are always hundreds of pingbacks to the famous L. M. Montgomery quote, “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” While I am one of those stereotypical women who love autumn, something emotional crops up with the annual postings of this quote.

Perhaps it’s nostalgia, but I find myself aching to return to the days when I first read Anne of Green Gables.

I don’t think I am alone when I say I found a heroine in Anne Shirley. When I first read Anne of Green Gables, I felt like I was Anne Shirley. She was spunky, imaginative, hopeful, clumsy, intellectually competitive, unsure of herself, and always trying to learn from her mistakes. It felt like L. M. Montgomery had somehow reached into my self-deprecating shell and extracted a heroine who was just like me (albeit a little more extroverted). Although my life has diverged from Anne in adulthood, I still feel her shadows around me.

The Beginning

Anne of Green Gables was inspired by a newspaper story, and Montgomery incorporated the book with her own girlhood experiences. Amazingly, it was initially rejected by several publishers, but the novel was a huge success upon publication. Mark Twain called Anne “the most lovable child in fiction.” Montgomery wrote several sequels that traced Anne’s life from girlhood to motherhood. However, they were less popular than the original novel.

L. M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables series is a literary treasure that transcends generations. Through her exquisite writing style, Montgomery captures the essence of this transformative period in a young person’s life, drawing readers into Anne Shirley’s world with unparalleled depth and charm.

Timeless Beauty of the Ordinary

Montgomery’s ability to encapsulate a wealth of descriptions in short, evocative phrases is nothing short of remarkable. She paints vivid pictures of Anne’s surroundings, making Prince Edward Island come alive with its rolling hills, picturesque landscapes, and the famous Green Gables farmhouse. The simplicity of her prose belies its richness; every word is carefully chosen to convey the beauty and wonder that Anne sees in her world.

The opening lines of the novel introduce us to Anne and her unique perspective:

“Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea main road dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies’ eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place.”

In this single sentence, Montgomery paints a vivid image of Avonlea’s natural beauty and sets the stage for Anne’s enchanting adventures.

As we follow Anne through her journey from a fiery, imaginative orphan to a beloved member of the Cuthbert family, Montgomery’s writing remains consistently captivating. Her ability to convey Anne’s emotional depth and growth is unparalleled. We witness Anne’s trials and tribulations, her friendships and rivalries, and her blossoming love for Green Gables and its inhabitants.

Revisiting Anne as an Adult

Revisiting “Anne of Green Gables” as an adult is a bittersweet experience that underscores the perfect passage of time. The novel, like life itself, is a journey filled with moments of joy and sorrow, growth and reflection. Anne’s experiences and emotions resonate with readers of all ages, but they take on a new dimension when seen through the lens of adulthood.

The character of Anne Shirley embodies the essence of adolescence—a period marked by curiosity, imagination, and the desire to find one’s place in the world. Anne’s youthful exuberance, combined with her vivid imagination, allows her to see beauty and potential in the most unexpected places. Her tendency to use her imagination to escape from the ordinary and mundane serves as a reminder that there is magic in everyday life, even for adults.

Anne’s journey in love is a central theme in the series. Her early infatuation with the idea of a romantic hero serves as a relatable portrayal of youthful idealism. Through these experiences, Anne learns that genuine love goes beyond appearances and superficial charm. It’s a lesson that resonates with adults who have navigated the complexities of relationships and come to appreciate the depth and authenticity of true love and friendship.

Anne’s evolution in her understanding of love—from her fascination with dreamy, unattainable figures to her realization that a loving relationship is built on mutual respect and communication—serves as a poignant reminder that growth and maturity often come with a shift in priorities and a deeper understanding of what truly matters in life.

Anne’s Enduring Legacy

As a child, I was told I had an “overactive imagination”. Anne showed me that while imagination could get you into trouble, you can also channel it for creativity and empathy. Anne uses her imagination not only to create captivating stories but also to put herself in other people’s shoes and work out how to make them feel better. Her radical altruism is a source of inspiration, reminding us that imagination can change the world, one act of kindness at a time.

Anne is deeply peculiar, and she’s not embarrassed about it. She’s forever curious about other oddballs, eccentrics, and outsiders, and in finding her own way to live, beyond the straitjackets of convention. In a world that often values conformity over uniqueness, Anne’s unapologetic embrace of her peculiarities encourages readers to embrace their own quirks and idiosyncrasies. Her story reminds us that it’s okay to be odd, to defy expectations, and to chart our own path in life.

Capturing the Beauty of the Ordinary

One of the most enchanting aspects of L. M. Montgomery’s writing is her ability to romanticize the ordinary without distorting its reality. Through her prose, she elevates the everyday experiences of life in Prince Edward Island, highlighting their intrinsic beauty. Montgomery’s lyrical descriptions of the island’s landscapes, from rolling hills to picturesque farmhouses, remind us that there is an enchantment to be found in the simplest moments.

Montgomery romanticized the ordinary, not by distorting its reality, but by highlighting it’s beauty. For someone who didn’t particularly like myself, Anne was my role model. I watched her grow up from Anne of Green Gables to Rilla of Ingleside and I loved her all the way. I think that’s why this novel is always in my peripheral vision this time of year. Maybe fall is the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, much like the ever-changing seasons of Anne.

Run Bambi Run

The Lawrencia “Laurie” Bembenek case has always fascinated me. The case was an outrageous saga that took the nation by storm. And why wouldn’t it? After all, it has all of the elements for an unbelievable story.

In just a few years, Laurie went from being a Milwaukee Police Department Officer to Playboy Bunny. She launched a lawsuit against the MPD and then married a cop, but nothing quite compared to the incident that would change everything. On May 18, 1981, her husband’s ex-wife was murdered in a cold-blooded killing, and Laurie is the prime suspect. She lands in the slammer for life, convicted of a murder she didn’t commit.

Or did she?

When I stumbled across her book Woman on Trial, I was hooked. Bembenek tells her story and artfully details the complexity of emotions that she experiences. Although I am sure there is some bias and unreliability, it is an incredible read.

Although I have always lived near Milwaukee, I was too young to understand and appreciate the case until long after the action had ended. Can you believe my excitement when I found out that the Milwaukee Repertory Theatre would be performing a new rock musical Run Bambi Run? I was ecstatic.

Murder, Milwaukee, and Music

This new musical is ripped from the headlines! According to the Rep’s website, this musical is fueled with rock songs and lyrics from Gordon Gano of the Violent Femmes, a captivating book by Academy Award-winner Eric Simonson (Lombardi), and Artistic Director Mark Clements’ directorial showmanship. This hometown story about the search for truth and justice is a wild ride that you have to see to believe.

Did I drag my husband and friends to see this production? Yes, yes I did.

Ironically I don’t generally like rock music, but this performance was incredible. In all honesty, the lyrics were a true low point. An editor could have gone a long way to improve the quality of the music, but it did not detract from the overall quality of the production.

The cast of actors brings Laurie, Judy, Fred, Christine, Mr. and Mrs. Bemenek to life with their adept skills. Everyone plays a multifaceted role by performing as stage actors, musicians, singers, and dancers. Some performers even take on multiple roles. They all maintained incredible energy throughout the entirety of the three-hour musical. The sheer diversity of their musical abilities, breadth of acting abilities, and enthusiasm stand above the rest.

The simple set design becomes the MPD, the family home, bars, parks, courtrooms, prison, and even Canada. Although it doesn’t seem like much, the staging is perfect to help the audience get lost in the story.

There are a few caveats. This production contains gunshots, fog/smoke, strobe lights as well as other loud sounds including live music. If you plan on going to the Rep, I would recommend some earplugs so that you don’t lose your hearing. The production also includes profanity, suggested drug usage, nudity (and not in the Playboy Bunny scene- you’d be surprised), and adult themes.

Did She Do It?

If you were hoping to get some closure on the Bemebek case you’ll be disappointed. While Run Bambi Run paints Laurie in a sympathetic light, the musical stays away from a blatant statement of her innocence or guilt. The Lawrencia on the stage seems to be directly pulled from her memoir, but that doesn’t mean that there are some things that are hidden from the audience.

I would recommend to anyone in the Milwaukee area to sit back and appreciate this Milwaukee labor of love. Not only is this a truly authentic piece of Milwaukee history, the theatre embraces its local ties in a heartwarming Midwestern manner.

Where’s The Baby?

As a married practicing Catholic, there is some general surprise that my husband and I do not have children yet. There seems to be a general expectation that we would move from “love and marriage” to a “baby in a baby carriage” within the first year of our nuptials.

There have been many sly questions alluding to the absence of children in our home. It almost seems like a faux pas in some spheres. In fact, many of our friends and acquaintances already have one or two children and are looking to expand their families.

As people in our early twenties, there is the expectation that we have biology on our side and that we are primed to start our family immediately.

But expectations are not reality…

In April, my OBGYN was 100% certain that my laparoscopic surgery would confirm a diagnosis of endometriosis. I have all the qualifying symptoms and completed all the necessary steps to assist in the diagnosis. I went through a barrage of blood tests, pelvic floor therapy sessions, diets, medications, and ultrasounds to confirm what was (or wasn’t) the problem.

I went under the knife expecting a pyrrhic victory, but it wasn’t a victory at all.

You can’t imagine how devastated I was when I found out that I didn’t have endometriosis. On a microscopic level, everything looked normal and healthy: no cysts, no fibroids, no cancer. Even my OBGYN was surprised and a little perplexed. On one hand, it is nice knowing that you appear to be healthy, but on the other, it leaves a trail of questions. If it isn’t endometriosis causing the issue, then what is?

While I am frustrated, I’m not particularly devastated. We don’t know exactly what is wrong with me, but I am relatively healthy. My excruciating pain is better and I have a wonderful and supportive husband by my side. Although there is always hope, I am okay with the possibility of never having my own children. We are both open to adopting.

So why am I telling you this? I am not looking for pity points, sympathy, or even tips on how to “boost my fertility”. I am okay with sharing my fertility issues, but a lot of people are not. I’m asking for a little understanding.

Don’t Ask

There is no set timeline for when a couple should have children, even if there is the expectation that they should have kids already.

It is a deeply personal decision to have children that is between the two respective spouses. It doesn’t matter if a family decides to wait due to health, financial, or mental health reasons because it truly isn’t any of our business.

I personally don’t like questions about my fertility, but I don’t shy away from them either. I know that my value as a person has very little to do with my uterus or what other people think of me. My inability to conceive is not a failure but rather a complex medical issue. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is a statement of what I have, not what I am.

But just because I am okay and open doesn’t mean that other people are.

When you ask some women about whether they are going to have kids, it is a visceral, gut-wrenching question. They have tried everything to conceive and failed. So many have experienced secret miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, or infant death. Others take hundreds of pregnancy tests for missed periods only to be brutally disappointed. Some are terrified of pregnancy due to health conditions, while others are not ready to have kids. Some people have had hysterectomies due to cancer, others have male infertility.

When you ask them when they plan to have children, it is a deeply personal blow. Some people feel like they have to explain themselves in order to not be judged. Even when they bare their souls, they are met with unhelpful advice. It’s like not having children is a problem that needs to be fixed and you – the potential parent- are the problem. It is almost as though you have to be ‘excused’ for not meeting expectations.

Maybe I do want my own children, maybe I don’t. Maybe I am okay with adopting. Maybe the fact my mom almost died delivering me scares me. Maybe my infertility stems from my mother’s issues with conceiving. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

What it comes down to is that it isn’t any of your business.

It doesn’t matter why someone has or doesn’t have children, and you really don’t need to know. I have met many unhappy women who feel incomplete or inferior because they feel like their identity is wrapped up in their ability to have children. It shouldn’t matter, but people make you feel like it does.

Children are a gift, not a right. As a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, or relative, it doesn’t matter if your loved one has children or not. Unless you need to know for your own medical purposes, I suggest you refrain from asking when to expect a baby.